Updated: Sep 12, 2021
My youngest daughter recently got a new apartment. She wanted very much for Paul and me to see it, so last Monday we agreed to see her and the new place she calls home. When we arrived, my husband turned off the car and looked at me pointedly.
He said, "Should we wear a mask? I will do what you do."
I realize, in retrospect, that this was a pivotal moment. I said, "Naw, it's just Alina. We don't wear a mask when she comes over. We're all vaccinated it will be fine." Nearby, I'm sure my guardian angel snickered, but I failed to hear them.
She met us at the car, and we walked up the stairs to her new apartment. She was thrilled that we had come, but we were surprised to see that she had a friend visiting. My daughter introduced us, and we acknowledged each other. Paul looked at me with resonance. I smiled back at him, trying to reassure us both. My daughter's friend kept her distance, all was well, and we enjoyed our visit.
The next day my daughter called me to tell me that her friend's sister had tested positive for the Covid 19 virus, and she had been in contact with the sister. My daughter had cold-like symptoms she assumed were allergies from her moving into her dusty apartment but assured us she was fine. Her friend had tested negative, and my daughter was being tested the next day. We were mildly concerned. Mentally I groaned; we should have worn our damn masks.
A couple of days later, my daughter let us know her symptoms worsened but were still manageable. She tested negative for the virus and I thought we could consciously move back to our careful routine of wearing masks and doing errands when required. I checked on my daughter every day, and Friday she was tested again for the virus and the test came back positive.
My sister and I are mutual caretakers for our elderly parents. During the past year, this has all intensified exponentially. My father, who many of you know is not an easy character had a stroke last November 2020 and is paralyzed on his right side. He has mobility issues and a litany of other ailments that are all compounded by his being a delusional narcissist. It is a full-time job to maintain my compassion and my sanity on any given day.
My mother is a nominee for full sainthood upon death; even though she is not Catholic. She now has severe memory loss and is often tortured that she cannot do what she once did and run her affairs. She has always been as capable and intelligent as anyone I have ever met, and my heroine. I never wanted to be like anyone as much as I wanted to be like my mom. It is hard to see her in such anguish and pain.
I was with my mom Friday when I found out I needed to quarantine. This meant she needed to quarantine, too. My husband canceled his business trip for the next week. I was mentally flailing myself at my irresponsibility, born of just being pulled by too many forces. I called my sister and informed her of the situation. I started taking my Defense Plus supplement, and cell salts because of all the times they have helped me stave off impending illness. Friday evening arrived with me having a scratchy throat, a runny nose, a headache, and sore lymph nodes. I began to consider the prospect of having Covid 19, after a solid year and a half of semi-quarantine and called to make an appointment to have the test on Saturday. I used my new fancy neti pot, took a Benadryl, and went to bed.
My mind raced. I thought of all the things I had not done in my house. Even though I have been home for most of the last 2 years, my house is not clean or orderly. Most of the time, if I have downtime from caring for my parents, I have little energy to do anything except relax. The grief and the pain of the decisions we have had to make, coupled with the constant on-state of my brain make it impossible for me to do anything creative, or constructive when I am alone.
I began to think that I could die and leave a hardship on my little family unit, and how I hate that. I toyed with the fact that even though I always imagine things getting better, they have failed to do that for a very long period. I don't think it is only me that is caught in this loop. I have always judged myself harshly; I am a recovering perfectionist. Perfectionism is pure self-abuse. It causes me not to begin what I cannot do perfectly, which leaves me in a terrible, frozen limbo that I have yet to escape completely.
I often view myself under the lens of how many years I have spent on Earth, and how little I have achieved of what my heart desires to do. Something shifted in me as I lay in bed thinking Friday night. A kinder, sweeter inner voice whispered to me that I was not a finished being, but just an embryo in a cosmic egg. Some of the parts of me that used to be useful are now leaving on their own. New strands of DNA are attaching here and there, new memories are being made that will lead me in different directions than ever before. Ancestral patterns that I was put here to change are releasing. I am not a finished being; I am just a baby growing in the primordial waters of a Cosmic Egg. I am not done yet. I still have time to have a clean, orderly home and become who I want to be; whatever that looks like.
Saturday morning, I woke feeling lighter and physically better. My nose was still a little runny, and my throat a tiny bit sore, but my spirits were high. My husband and I spent the day together, and went in the afternoon to get a test for the virus, both came back negative, but the doctor told me to get tested again on Tuesday because I was displaying some symptoms.
Sunday we did some housework, and I decided to do a card reading with The Shaman's Dream Oracle by Alberto Villoldo and Collette Baron-Reid. It is a lovely deck, with beautiful images and sentiments. The picture of the reading is above.
The Dirt Devil card spoke to me loudly, and kindly. Benevolent forces are always working to help me become who I am meant to be. I can't control everything, but neither should I worry about anything. I am worthy as I am.
The following prayer channeled through me and whispered on my lips. I wrote it in my notebook. Please feel free to use it if it speaks to you, too.
I ask for help and assistance from all the compassionate, loving spirits that love me.
I ask for the help and support of the Grandmothers.
May the desires and needs of my heart and ego be in alignment.
May the desires of my heart, ego, and body be in alignment with the vibration of my highest self.
May these powers combine with the benevolent spirit of the Dust Devil that is alive and moving in my life to shake up old patterns that need to be changed; cords, ties that need to be dissolved and transmuted. Align me with the highest, best template of my life at this time.
Give me grace and clear discernment (vision) to the opportunities and endless possibilities that are always available to me through the Divine Beloved, my infinite source.
In accordance with my highest, best, good, and the highest good of our Mother Earth and all who reside here.
So mote it be
And so it is
In grateful alignment with the Divine.
Blessed be, my friends.